The members of misguided protest band Pussy Riot have today announced they have formed a coalition with both persecuted Egyptians and British badgers in a last-ditch effort not to be completely forgotten by social media.
“You couldn’t move for furious posts and links about our plight when we were first imprisoned for breaking the law,” said Ivana Fordcapriski, the lead singer of Pussy Riot. “But then someone posted an amusing video of a cat falling into a toilet on YouTube and everybody forgot the fact that some of us we’re actually still in prison, as we still are to this day. We had thousands of signatures on ineffectual online petitions and everything; now we’re lucky if our band name comes up on page one hundred and seventy six thousand of a Google search for specialist pornography.”
Meanwhile, their partners in Egypt have expressed their dismay that their suffering at the hands of an oppressive military regime has been overshadowed by both Syria and the new One Direction movie. Fasul Al-Kebabbish, the head of the Egyptian opposition, told reporters:
“I have discovered through bitter experience that the ire of the Internet lasts about as long as it takes to post a link on Facebook to a BBC news story, write a Tweet in something approaching English and add an electronic signature to something nobody gives a flying fuck about. Then it’s back to banging on about Breaking Bad and Doctor Who, safe in the knowledge a job has been well done and a conscience has been salved. Unfortunately, none of these things stop the secret police hammering on our doors at four in the morning. I urge the Internet to realise that problems don’t go away simply because a pop star acts like a back-alley tart at an awards ceremony.”
Finally, the badgers who are now being killed on purpose by Tories for absolutely no reason other than evil took time out from cowering in their setts and spreading TB-infected piss all over cows’ dinners to tell reporters:
“Our profile’s still quite high at the moment, thanks in no small part to that one off of Queen deciding that countryside animal management is the same as genocide. However, it’ll only take a resurgence in corporate fracking activity or a celebrity upskirt shot in the papers and the tumbleweed will soon start rolling through once-busy anti-culling Tumblrs. Hopefully, by joining forces with some shouting North Africans and some silly little Russian girls, we might be able to keep ourselves in the public eye long enough for something constructive to be actually done to help us.”
“I doubt that,” laughed an avid Twitter user who once spent three days banging on about nothing but the Bedroom Tax and then stopped, never to mention it again. “Look! It’s a video of a toilet falling onto a cat!”