Britain’s men are beginning to come round to the idea of tolerating more women on the country’s bank notes following the Bank of England’s announcement that they could be going ‘wipe-clean’ from 2016.
“I wasn’t at all happy with the idea of more women on our notes because I hate women,” chuntered Brendan O’Bumshanks, a man. “However, if they’re going to make them from plastic in the future, I wouldn’t mind so much as long as the women featured are in the nude and preferably bent over something so you can see their dangling titties and their exposed particulars. That’s the bit about women I can stomach.”
“This is great news if it goes ahead,” agreed Terry Gizzards, another man. “I’ve often been caught short in public toilets, needing to wank but with nothing but a poorly rendered marker pen drawing of a huge pair of boobs on the toilet wall to look at. If I had, say, a Playboy model spreading her parts on the reverse side of a fiver, I would be able to focus all my attention on her and thus remove the danger that my eyes will stray to a picture of a cock going up a man’s arse that’s been scrawled next to the toilet roll dispenser; this has happened too many times when I’ve jizzed-up. And best of all, if I get any spangle on the note, I can wash it off in the sink.”
Meanwhile, ‘Steady’ Eddie Shakespeare, the Chief Cashier of the Bank of England, told reporters:
“The feminist lobby would be up in arms if we put glamour girls with great big tits on fivers, tenners and twenties. Mind you, what do they do other than bleat away on Twitter whenever they’re offended (which is every single day)? Actually, fuck ‘em. I’m a man and I quite like the idea of pocket-sized, wipe-free pornography that you can also use to buy a bag of chips and ten fags. Tits ‘n’ ass all round and to hell with the consequences!”