“I knew this rubbish had to be coming from somewhere,” says expedition leader Chaffington Fincham-Fynch after his team successfully discovered the source of all the crap that keeps turning up on Facebook. “I first became suspicious when I kept seeing posts daring me to name a film that didn’t have a specific letter in its name and I thought, hang on, where is all this shit coming from? I decided to mount an expedition to the dark heart of the Internet and, after an exhausting three week trek through the jungles of the World Wide Web, my team came across the source. We were both delighted and horrified at the same time.”
The source – which Fincham-Fynch has named ‘Mount Shite’ – is a constantly erupting volcano that lies in one of the most inhospitable regions of the Internet. Twenty four hours a day it pumps out annoying memes, unfunny illustrated ‘ee’ cards, appeals for ‘likes’ and ‘shares’ for terminally ill children and things about cats, Obamacare and how you’ll die if you don’t repost something to twelve of your friends’ walls before midday.
“We’ve estimated that the volcano can pump out sixty irritating Skyrim references every ten seconds,” says Fincham-Fynch. “I’ve witnessed with my own eyes the birth of a made-up sob story about a child who was badly beaten by his father and now needs a million likes or the surgeons will let him die. If you’ve ever wondered where those ‘type the first word you see’ things come from or where George Takei sources 100% of his Facebook posts, look no further than Mount Shite. It is a monster and it must be destroyed.”
The United States military later announced that they have come to an arrangement with their Russian and Chinese counterparts to launch a full-scale nuclear attack on Mount Shite tomorrow.
“Please like and share if you agree with eliminating Mount Shite,” a spokesman for the military said.