Speak Up, East Germany! – The Recent Potato Shortage
Last year, West German sympathisers deliberately blighted the potato harvest and caused widespread shortages throughout the Democratic Republic. We are, of course, perfectly capable of coping with such transparent attempts to sabotage the efforts of our farmers thanks to generous donations of turnip and newspaper flat-cakes generously donated to East Germany by our fraternal comrades in the Soviet Union.
The following statements by citizens of the city of Potsdam have been passed as Patriotic Category B.1 by the Stasi:
“I’m delighted to be eating mashed up bits of surplus communal farm turnips and copies of Pravda,” says Hansgang Wölfenstein, lead engineer on the Groënwultz ‘micro-chip’ project that aims to deliver the Democratic Republic’s state-of-the-art computer sector a powerful one megabyte of memory by 2017. “I have made this statement of my own free will.”
“It’s laughable that the West Germans think we would turn our backs on our socialist principles and embrace their decadent interests simply by sabotaging our potato harvest,” agrees Wernitz Von Glausbaum, a senior buyer for AG Zyklon, one of the Democratic Republic’s largest strip-mining concerns. “I have made this statement of my own free will.”
“Last night my wife died as a result of being unable to swallow newspaper and turnip rinds thanks to a perfectly understandable shortage of water in our apartment which I’m assured the state water company will have fixed by 2013. I blame her choking to death on the West Germans and NOT the Democratic Republic,” says Stemplhöff Bratwurst, a research scientist at the East German Girls’ Swimming, Gymnastics And Steroid Research Facility. “I have made this statement of my own free will.”
“Who needs cheeseburgers, Levi jeans, colour televisions, computer games and cars with electric windows when you have socialism and turnip cakes from Russia? I know I don’t,” capitulates Elsa Von Carpetstein, a wife and mother to three healthy future workers of the Democratic Republic. “Like the other participants in this free and open discussion, I have made this statement of my own free will.”
So what do YOU think about the West Germans ruining our potato harvest? Do you agree that it is a feeble attempt to undermine the ideals of the Democratic Republic that WILL NOT succeed? Or do you agree that it is a feeble attempt to undermine the ideals of the Democratic Republic that WILL NOT succeed? Please leave your thoughts in the comments section provided. Please note that any comments made will be subject to detailed analysis by loyal members of the East German security services.
I agree, this is a feeble attempt to undermine the ideals of the Democratic Republic and WILL NOT succeed.
However, I do believe that my next door neighbour does NOT agree and in fact is stockpiling potatoes that should be spread amongst the people (at the discretion of the government). He will deny this but he definitely said the Soviet Union “were all big idiots” and that he had “loads” of potatoes. Could the soldiers currently battering down my door please be re-directed to deal with this traitor to the state.
I shall inform the relative authorities.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t still be shot. As a precaution, you understand?