Speaking like a Dalek at a hastily-arranged press conference, the Institute’s head boffin, Professor Stephen Hawking, told reporters:
“Whilst trying to clone a hippopotamous, eggheads from our cloning department got DNA samples of the large African mammal mixed up with that of Idi Amin. Before we knew it he’d tossed all the Asians out of the lab, had the head of Physics strangled on trumped-up corruption charges and yesterday they found someone’s head in a fridge in one of the Chemistry labs. However, we here at the Institute are confident that we now have Mr. Amin under control after a cloned Tyrannosaurus Rex got out and ate him when he was trying to kill a palaeontologist and two little kids.”
“EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!” Professor Hawking then added, shooting death rays from his chest-mounted sink plunger gun.
This is not the first time the Institute has buggered about with things until it’s gone and broken them. In 2003, a bunch of brainiacs led by West Country farmer Colin Pillinger crash-landed a Beagle on Mars and all hell broke loose.
“The dog let off a really loud fart and woke all the Martians up,” remembers Pillinger. “It didn’t take ‘em long to figure out where the bugger had come from because he had ‘Made In China’ written on his space dog suit. The next minute we was up to our eyelids in flying saucers and space invaders. I’m sorry about that.”
And 2008 saw the Institute collaborate with some of Europe’s finest know-it-alls, show-offs and bookworms to create the Large Hadron Collider – a Doomsday device that sits brooding under the Alps waiting to kill us all with its science.
“This is science gone mad,” shouted the Archbishop of Canterbury when we caught up with him coming out of the back door of a massage parlour in Pontefract. “They’ll not be satisfied until we’re just bits of blown-up stuff floating about in space. If I had my way, I’d burn ‘em all at the stake for being wizards, but oh no. It’s ‘anything goes’ in today’s society, and we guardians of the nation’s morals have had to take the same face-full of liberal piss as the rest of the human race since being namby-pamby replaced manliness and godliness as mankind’s greatest traits.”
“Well I’ll tell you this for fucking nothing,” he added. “I don’t care what the jumble-sale- and tombola-organising mess of hand-wringing do-gooders who call themselves my colleagues say. As far as I’m concerned, these bastards have bought themselves one-way tickets to Hell when they die. Let’s see how far your science takes you when you’ve got a red hot poker shoved up your bloody arse by a screaming demon made off of fire and children’s tears, eh? Eh? NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY!”
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