The blatherings of B P Perry
“I got the idea,” chortles Sir Digby Sprodes, the government’s chief economic advisor to the Treasury, “after I watched The Dam Busters on the telly on a Bank Holiday Monday. In the film, Britain basically won World War II by dam busting, and I thought that if they could bring down the Nazi war machine by busting some dams back then, we could pull ourselves out of this financial quagmire by doing the same thing today.”
Industry has already been ordered to switch production to the manufacture of dam busting equipment such as Lancaster bombers, bouncing bombs and stiff upper-lips, with new factories planned for sites in Manchester, Liverpool, Sheffield and Newcastle.
“We estimate the dam busting industry will generate one hundred thousand new jobs in the next five years alone,” says Sir Digby. “The north of the country has been particularly badly effected by the last lot spending all the money on fish and chips and our lot emptying what’s left into the pockets of Richard Branson, so these new dam busting plants will be a welcome shot in the region’s economic arm.”
But the coalition’s plans have been slammed by the Labour Party. Speaking after a visit to a play group where he pretended to like being around children for the cameras, Elton Taupin, Labour spokesman for trade and industry, was damning in his condemnation of the plans:
“You can’t pull yourselves out of recession by dam busting alone,” he said, a disgusted look on his face as he tried to get sticky stuff off of his hands. “Our plan is a combined Allied invasion of the French coast, followed by an armoured advance on Germany. This will generate far more jobs than dam busting ever will.”
Sir Digby, however, refuted Mr. Taupin’s claims:
“He’s talking out of his arse,” he scoffed, tossing another poor person out of the window of his castle. “We wouldn’t have the numbers of landing craft needed to launch such an operation until at least June 2014, whereas dam busting could be brought on line in six months flat. No, it’s dam busting what’s going to drag us out of this shit, you mark my words.”
What do YOU think? Is dam busting the answer to the country’s economic troubles? Or have you got a better idea? By all means leave me the usual insults in the comments section below.