Coalition Thinks Dam Busting May Be The Answer To UK’s Economic Woes
In a move that’ll no doubt infuriate the left-wing mung bean brigade, the Conservative-led coalition has decided to go ahead with its plans to focus the entire economy on dam busting.
“I got the idea,” chortles Sir Digby Sprodes, the government’s chief economic advisor to the Treasury, “after I watched The Dam Busters on the telly on a Bank Holiday Monday. In the film, Britain basically won World War II by dam busting, and I thought that if they could bring down the Nazi war machine by busting some dams back then, we could pull ourselves out of this financial quagmire by doing the same thing today.”
Industry has already been ordered to switch production to the manufacture of dam busting equipment such as Lancaster bombers, bouncing bombs and stiff upper-lips, with new factories planned for sites in Manchester, Liverpool, Sheffield and Newcastle.
“We estimate the dam busting industry will generate one hundred thousand new jobs in the next five years alone,” says Sir Digby. “The north of the country has been particularly badly effected by the last lot spending all the money on fish and chips and our lot emptying what’s left into the pockets of Richard Branson, so these new dam busting plants will be a welcome shot in the region’s economic arm.”
But the coalition’s plans have been slammed by the Labour Party. Speaking after a visit to a play group where he pretended to like being around children for the cameras, Elton Taupin, Labour spokesman for trade and industry, was damning in his condemnation of the plans:
“You can’t pull yourselves out of recession by dam busting alone,” he said, a disgusted look on his face as he tried to get sticky stuff off of his hands. “Our plan is a combined Allied invasion of the French coast, followed by an armoured advance on Germany. This will generate far more jobs than dam busting ever will.”
Sir Digby, however, refuted Mr. Taupin’s claims:
“He’s talking out of his arse,” he scoffed, tossing another poor person out of the window of his castle. “We wouldn’t have the numbers of landing craft needed to launch such an operation until at least June 2014, whereas dam busting could be brought on line in six months flat. No, it’s dam busting what’s going to drag us out of this shit, you mark my words.”
What do YOU think? Is dam busting the answer to the country’s economic troubles? Or have you got a better idea? By all means leave me the usual insults in the comments section below.
Sir Digby has got the right idea if you ask me! I’ve used Dam busting at least twice before when I’ve had trouble with my own personal finances, works every time!
The one time I did try a full scale amphibious assault of France I got into terrible trouble around Cherbourg and ended up with a huge penalty charge from the bank, it was a bloody nightmare!
I’d use Wellington’s though…
I see a risk attached to this plan. What if it enrages the Germans and they send the Luftwaffe over to bomb British cities? Imagine the devastating effect on British morale on seeing all the postwar architecture of cities like Leeds and Coventry razed to the ground – oh hang on a minute.
Having recently travelled through both Leeds and Middlesborough, I can see how this sort of aerial bombardment could lead to morale plummeting to levels not witnessed in this country since we had to knock all those asbestos-riddled tower blocks they shoved up for tuppence ha’penny – plus an enormous back-hander – back in the 1960s.
Before any dam busting begins, it might be advisable to come to some sort of agreement with the Soviets that removes the Luftwaffe from our sector and instead trains their bombs on Kiev, Stalingrad and Leningrad.
I hope they don’t use Ryanair to drop the bombs, Naps. They’d drop them on a Polish military airport 100km away from the dam. BOOM BOOM.
Am I the only to have considered sinking Bismarck’s to stimulate the economy? It’s just typical of this coalition to think they can bomb their way out of trouble. Old ‘Bomber’ Cameron thinks he can reap a fiscal whirlwind, but it’ll be as much use as a map of pre-war Dresden. Sinking Bismarck’s is the way forward.
Sinking Bismarck’s what exactly? There can’t be much of old Otto left by now, surely? He’s been in the ground, what? A hundred odd years?
You make no damned sense at all, Mr. Green.
I doubt they’ll use Ryanair, Thumps. Don’t you know how much they charge for extra luggage in the hold?
I don’t think a lack of grammatical accuracy should hold back my plan, Napoleon. Not when we’re governed by a bunch of illiterate, inbred lunatics.
That was the last lot, Mr. Green. Now we’re governed by an axis of evil. The brain-dead hordes of Facebook and Twitter say we are, and who am I to argue with them?
As for your Bismarck scheme: I didn’t know they were making that many Bismarcks now they’ve gone and had to pay for the Greeks to carry on livin’ it up on everybody else’s money?
If they ARE making Bismarcks, we need to divert at least some of the dam busting factories into making a fleet of HMS Dorsetshires immediately.
You just never know with the Hun.