That was the stark warning of Dr. Umberto Bumberto, the UN’s special advisor on how much shit’s floating around in the Med.
Dr. Bumberto, who has spent the last ten years counting how many turds, shitty nappies, discarded syringes, condoms, mutant lobsters and skeletons in RAF uniforms chained to cases full of faked secret documents designed to fool the Nazi high command about the forthcoming Normandy invasion are in the water, issued his stark warning to the United Nations at this week’s international conference on what a shit-state the Med’s got itself into.
“The Turks – being dirty people – poo straight into the sea,” says Dr. Bumberto. “The Italians are no better. When they’re posing for their girlfriends down on the beach with their greasy hair and light-hearted approach to serious sexual assault, they’re also shitting at the same time with it all squeezing out the sides of their speedos.”
“Your Spaniards,” he continues, “don’t wash their hands after they’ve been to the toilet, so all their food’s poisoned by minute faecal traces. That means they’ve all got diarrhoea over there, and that ends up in the sea. And they sleep in the middle of the day, like dogs.”
“Meanwhile,” he says, “your French are infested with lice in their innards from all that muck they eat. This leaves them with no option but to dump tonnes of big, nasty French turds into the Med on a monthly basis. And they were all rapists in the war.”
“Finally, there’s your English and German holidaymakers,” he concludes. “The Germans clog up their systems with mountains of rotten cabbage and sausages made off of pigs’ cocks, and that stuff’s only going to end up in one place because there’s no way they’re going to go back to their hotels to have a poo because they’re all too fat and it’s too far away. Your English, on the other hand, would go back to their hotels to evacuate bowels fed on a diet of chips, beans and strong drink, but it’s not their sea so why bother?”
Dr. Bumberto has calculated that it would only take one filthy foreigner to drop his guts into the sea to trigger Turdageddon.
“There’s a big hairy bastard over there that looks like a likely candidate,” he says, pointing to a Greek who’s just about to wade into the sea off Crete. “The filth that pack of scroungers call food causes explosive squits 99% of the time. If he doesn’t empty a payload of liquidised, poisonous shellfish wot’s been turned into diarrhoea into the water, I’ll be very, very surprised.”
Tags: bastards, bumming, cheryl cole nude pics, club med, dirty foreigners, english, europe, germans, greeks, hot sex, med, mediterranean turds, shit, shitting, spanish bastards, the french, turdageddon, turds, turks