From 2013, such key events as the Battle of Hastings, the signing of the Magna Carta, Elizabeth’s Golden Age, the Glorious Revolution and the battles of Trafalgar and Waterloo will be erased from the history books and substituted with tales of ignominious defeat at the hands of an unspecified island opponent.
“This is a disgrace,” shouted UKIP’s Nigel Cabbage when The Bloody EEC rang him up about all this. “We didn’t sign up for this in 1973! I don’t want my two kids, Nigel Cabbage Jnr. and Winstonella Wellington Cabbage, to learn that we’ve consistently put our hands up the minute anyone’s waved a sword in our general direction. I blame Ted Heath for this.”
“Does that mean we never invented the lava-lamp now?” he asked, clearly frightened.
Under the new EEC proposals, tyrannically entitled Outline For A New British History, school pupils will learn that:
- The British king, Louis XVI, was beheaded at Tyburn by the British following the British Revolution.
- Britain was defeated at the Battle of Trafalgar by a mysterious fleet of pirates.
- The British Empire was governed from the French Foreign Office and policed by the French Foreign Legion.
- The Battle of Britain ended in defeat for Britain as the country was overrun by Hitler’s evil hoards. The nation was eventually freed from its enslavement four years later. By the French.
- Britain’s favourite dinner is some foul-smelling concoction that makes your stomach turn at the sight of it.
“It’s damnable,” continued Cabbage. “Not content with farting about with our sausages, the faceless cabal of nefarious Eurocratic maniacs in Brussels – along with their French paymasters, I might add – are conspiring to wipe our country and its glorious British history off of the face of the Earth. If our great wartime leader, Charles De Gaulle, was alive today, he’d be turning in his bloody grave.”